One Eye Roll Too Many
I don’t like being inconvenienced.
There, I’ve said it. I’m not proud of it, but dang once I realized this, my life got a lot more joyful.
When I say I don’t like to be inconvenienced, I mean I don’t like being asked to do something I wasn’t planning to do. I can get quite huffy about it. Even my husband asking for my signature to deposit a sum of money into our bank account can cause a huff and an eye roll.
“Really? You want me to stop what I’m doing and sign my name now?”
Of course it’s childish and stupid, but that was my reaction until I was able to identify and become consciously aware of what I was doing. It feels like it took me forever. Again, not proud of it.
This being inconvenienced thing really came to a head after my mother died and I was responsible for settling her affairs. If it hadn’t been for my husband helping out and the love of my brother and sister, I don’t think I’d have made it, but still the notion of being inconvenienced kept showing up. As long as I didn’t get an email asking me to do something I was fine. If I got an email from someone needing information, there’d go the eye roll and a big huff. “Why do people have to be so demanding?”
Finally, I guess it was one eye roll too many, I decided to sit with this discomfort for a bit, more like a few bits. I sat, got curious and asked the question, “What am I really feeling here?”
I continued to sit with my question and slowly the truth started to emerge. I realized that it wasn’t the process of settling my mother’s affairs that was getting to me, it was how I was dealing with the situation. I was feeling like I was the victim of some big plot against me. Now that’s one big REALLY?
It can be hard to dig into those areas that would prefer to stay hidden, but it’s not helping anything to hold onto them. Did I want to stay stuck with this attitude? No, I really didn’t.
Getting quiet with my question revealed a desire to control because I held a fear of being controlled. As I mentioned, I’m not proud. But the truth is, I am proud of myself for being vulnerable and willing to take the plunge into that shadowy place.
Once I became aware, I could bring the feeling and the behavior into my conscious awareness where it could meet the light of day and the love of my heart. I was able to soften my heart and work with my inner child to make sure she knew and continues to know we’re safe and we don’t have to be in control of every little thing. Others can make requests without us falling apart.
This has been very liberating and without the need to be so controlling, I can step into the flow and feel more joy in my life. My eyeballs and I are very grateful.
Perhaps you've had or are working through a similar experience? What has it been like for you? Do you have questions about working with your inner child? Let's connect - I'd love to hear from you. You can email me or post a comment below.
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